but i know what she's saying

contrary to popular belief...i'm ok. it's been a rough stretch for sure, but i'm ok.

i've been struggling a lot with my place in all of this. wondering and praying a lot about if this is really where God has me. i haven't gotten an answer for sure.

and i fear that is my answer. i fear that no answer means that where i am is where i'll be...and that scares me beyond belief. then i think -- what does where i am mean? what does it look like? i tell people often that i love my family...and i love knowing where i've come from...but as a single, 26 year old woman i feel more alone in this place than i have in all my life.

not that i'm trying to complain. i know that we are put into situations to develop perseverance and hope and faith, but i wonder when it will be my turn to be a part of community. when it will be my turn to love. when it will be my turn to be loved. when i can feel encouraged on a regular basis...by people living down the street rather than hours away.

for such a long time i've really struggled with letting all of myself go. i've had a vice grip on my life...nothing and no one was going to take total control of me and my circumstances. and due to a lot of things that have been happening, i've realized (even though i've known all along) that i can't continue to live life as if it is my own. i can't continue to act as if there is no authority.

but i do.
and i fail -- every time.

and it breaks me. literally breaks me to think that i don't even have the smallest amount of faith that it takes to follow the One who both created and called me.

the beauty of my downfall is that where i am weak -- He is strong. i just have to know and really believe that His hand will take care of me...even if not on my timetable.

right now, my mind is a big mess. but that doesn't mean i'm crazy. it just means that there's a lot going on and i'm in a continual process of learning how to deal with it. i'm learning how to deal with the fact that this could be where i end up...that i might never really feel at home...and i'm learning that wrestling with all of this is ok...

[avett bros. -- january wedding]