you've got it now...

t-h-a-n-k-s.

if i wasn't thankful, i would be remiss:

family crazy -- my family is straight up off the chain. it's funny to me that even though we are spread out and don't get to see each other often, as soon as we get together a lifetime of ridiculous occurs. it is magic.

work -- even on the most stressful and tiring days, i'm able to say that i love what i do. i am humbled to think that i am thought fit to have a part in the lives of so many children.

friends -- i can't say enough how thankful i am for people that laugh at my jokes. people that text me back when i'm in the mood to be random. people that constantly pour encouragement and "real" into my life. people that let me vent and people that vent to me. people that are nothing but awesome.
the chance to be me -- i am so lucky to know people that let me be me. it's pretty unreal.

the Maker of all things. the One who gives me life. i am so fortunate to be able to call myself a child of His. i make mistakes, i run, i don't listen...but still He forgives and is faithful to me. [i am most thankful for that]

obviously, the list doesn't cover everything, but it's a start.

yesterday my cousin, Michael, jokingly said, "thanksgiving isn't a day...it's a mindset," and i actually stopped to think about how true that was. this year [november to november], i'm going to work on having more of a thankful mindset.

here's to a year of recognizing blessings and being thankful at all times.

you're in the city of wonder

I've subbed for the past two days in the 2nd grade class that I started the school year with...I was with them for 12 weeks, gone for two weeks once their teacher came back, and now I've been back with them for two days.

Today has been a frustrating day in 2nd grade...to say the least.

Yesterday, I was with these same kids. And these same kids brought the same baggage. The same smiles. The same laughter. The same attitudes toward life that they always have.

Today, these kids are the same. But today has been different.

I changed.
It was me.
I surprise myself.
Everyday.

Yesterday, I was so excited to be with these kiddos because I hadn't seen them in a while. I was excited to get the chance to love on these kids that I had spent so much time with at the beginning of the school year.

And today it was different. It was like the newness of the situation wore off.

And I caught myself thinking that.
How rude am I?

I am blessed to be able to say that I have been a part of each of the lives of these kids. I am blessed to have been able to show love in a way that other people will never be able to. I have been able to see love and joy and laughter that only a child can give or show.

Who am I to be frustrated with the situations that the Lord has allowed me to be a part of? Who am I to question or be unhappy with His calling on my life?

it's a thief in the night to come and grab you
it can creep up inside you and consume you
a disease of the mind it can control you...disturbia...

i love and am so thankful for these kids.

[disturbia -- rihanna]

easy as 1 - 2 - 3

abc d-now -- november 13-15, 2009

what a weekend...

[abc -- jackson 5]

ba-ba-baby...i can't wait!

big things to look forward to in the coming months --

: little black dress shopping
: fun times with HOller
: Colts football domination
: high school basketball season
: Thanksgiving party time with the family
: UK/UNC basketball at Rupp arena with Winders
: a Fresno, CA wedding
: more single ladies dance moves with Auntie D and Cousin J?
: plane rides galore
: Picayune DNow 2010
: the start of student teaching [this means almost being done with school]

the Lord has been good. to deny that would be a sad, sad thing. my life is proof that He loves me and has been good to me. i'm ready to prove that is what i believe.

[i can't wait -- nu shooz]

but i know what she's saying

contrary to popular belief...i'm ok. it's been a rough stretch for sure, but i'm ok.

i've been struggling a lot with my place in all of this. wondering and praying a lot about if this is really where God has me. i haven't gotten an answer for sure.

and i fear that is my answer. i fear that no answer means that where i am is where i'll be...and that scares me beyond belief. then i think -- what does where i am mean? what does it look like? i tell people often that i love my family...and i love knowing where i've come from...but as a single, 26 year old woman i feel more alone in this place than i have in all my life.

not that i'm trying to complain. i know that we are put into situations to develop perseverance and hope and faith, but i wonder when it will be my turn to be a part of community. when it will be my turn to love. when it will be my turn to be loved. when i can feel encouraged on a regular basis...by people living down the street rather than hours away.

for such a long time i've really struggled with letting all of myself go. i've had a vice grip on my life...nothing and no one was going to take total control of me and my circumstances. and due to a lot of things that have been happening, i've realized (even though i've known all along) that i can't continue to live life as if it is my own. i can't continue to act as if there is no authority.

but i do.
and i fail -- every time.

and it breaks me. literally breaks me to think that i don't even have the smallest amount of faith that it takes to follow the One who both created and called me.

the beauty of my downfall is that where i am weak -- He is strong. i just have to know and really believe that His hand will take care of me...even if not on my timetable.

right now, my mind is a big mess. but that doesn't mean i'm crazy. it just means that there's a lot going on and i'm in a continual process of learning how to deal with it. i'm learning how to deal with the fact that this could be where i end up...that i might never really feel at home...and i'm learning that wrestling with all of this is ok...

[avett bros. -- january wedding]

You of Little Faith

this is a page in my little black book.

a few weeks ago i wrote this in that book...and it broke my heart while i was writing it. it broke me because, if i don't believe that God is going to do what he says, what is this all for?

i am weak.
i do not have even the smallest amount of faith.
i question everything...everything.

He is who is says he is...why do i make it so hard?

i think for a while now, i've been attacked...but i was too dumb to see it. or proud. i work on taking things into my own hands and that never ends up how i'd like it to. i've been exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually...and the devil has definitely used that as an advantage to plant thoughts that don't belong in my head.

i am working on being in the Word consistently...and it's getting better.
i am working on letting go of that which i have no control over...everything.
i am working on being in prayer more than ever before.
i am working on being full of belief...

when the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "it's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear. but Jesus immediately said to them:
"take courage! it is I. don't be afraid."
"Lord, if it's you," peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."
"come," he said.
then peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. but when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"
immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.
"you of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"
[matthew 14: 26-31]

you oughta know that --

@i am beyond confused these days.
@it's hard to take a compliment because i'm not sure that you're telling the truth.
@He knows what a mess i am.
@frankie mac is one of the best purchases i've ever made.
@my dogs bark way too much.
@i give some people way too many chances...and others not enough.
@i'm willing to be/go almost anywhere.
@abe lincoln is my favorite historical figure.
@smiling and laughing are two of my favorites.
@i have dreams.
@i question things like it's my job.
@i talk about you...if you've impacted me at all.
@dr pepper is still my favorite soda.
@God gave me desires for a reason.
@i am working on finding joy/beauty in the small things.
@creating small things makes me feel like i'm doing something good.
@being real is something that i'm hoping to get better at.
@i have a hard time letting go of a grudge.
@i miss you.
@i'm still a drifter...but i'm working on slowing down a bit.
@i will always choose the Bulldogs/Brown Pride over any other gangs.
@i really do have great friends.
@socks and me -- we ain't friends.
@i will be getting a new tattoo within the year [hopefully].
@if i had $1 million, i'd buy plane tickets to any/everywhere.
@i think about jenness park every day.
@i am outside of my mind.
@i know deep down You love me...i need to believe it.
@i need to be encouraged and held accountable.
@i still bite my fingernails.
@i pray for you every day...even when i don't want to.
@i've started asking for wisdom and understanding.

for the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come
knowledge and understanding. [proverbs 2:6]

i am learning to wait...

...on Him.

it's one of the hardest things i've ever had to do.

i have a feeling that this month will be a month
of new beginnings.
i have a feeling that this month will be a month
of change.
i have a feeling that i'll be growing up this month.

my circumstances will not define me.
He will...
...so, I wait.

Geesh.

this semester is going to be crazy.
but good.

and really busy.
and maybe i'll be really tired.

but i'll have a lot of experience by the time it's over.
[hopefully.]

my prayer this semester is this:
[to love God and be known by Him. 1 cor 8:3]

in other news: i'll be reunited with these two very soon!